This year is the fourth holiday season since my mother died. It’s been an exceedingly solitary holiday, so the sparse connections have been extra meaningful. Today, I was walking in a snowy park, talking to a friend about purpose. With her: in regards to her teaching career. Me: in relation to realized purpose in the days spent with my mom in her final days, and where I am now with walking the path of purpose. 

I have been trying to read “Bardo thos grol chen mo” (The Great Book of Liberation Through Understanding in the Between aka “The Tibetan Book of the Dead”, Robert Thurman translation) for about 4 years now and I keep getting stuck. I have been stuck on the book, because I was in an arrested state of grief because I had yet been unable to pull out of a significant life area where I was stuck. But a few days ago, I took it off the shelf and spent some days with it. 

Last night, with transition states toward liberation in my mind, I put on Wheel of Time (free on Tubi!) before going to sleep. I am grateful to witness aspects of devotion with refreshed vision. 

Then, this morning, I felt a rush of inspiration to read, making meaningful progress in the book. This felt of monumental importance because: 

• The text is foundational to supporting people in hospice
• Getting past a place in the book indicates I am getting unstuck. 

I’m getting unstuck from habitual patterning.

Romantically, this has been the most up-and-down I’ve ever been. I’ve been lucky to have bids for romantic connection directed at me recently. In past years, I was caught in patterning that used romantic connection as one might use a weighted blanket: keeping myself insulated from my deeper self. The insulation kept a part of me in an arrested state of grief.

Over this year, not out of my own will but rather an involuntary reflex, I pushed away romantic connection. Over the year I realized my spirit was keeping distance out of necessity for growth. This process has been difficult. I have made mistakes, caused hurt. Fighting ways out of the nets of patterning is painful. For me, if people can’t see their role in my net, if I can’t tell them. At this current moment, I see the net. I can swim around it now, and I see how to warn others about this net. I am hopeful for repair where possible, and most importantly, I want to move forward in life where I don’t cause pain again. Small steps, doggy paddling towards clarity.

My most significant leaps this year have been in new modes of expressive exploration. I danced via burlesque and butoh, I took a black and white film developing course, I explored photography and videography projects. I visited multiple areas of political praxis and at the end, came back to my original principles. Going into 2026, I can feel more confident in going deeper, sustaining time with projects. I spent Christmas Day deep cleaning, thus my physical and mental path is clearer today more than ever, which I think is the best I can ask for in this life. I have no resolution but (as a wise person told me this year) – to make the road while walking. I have intentions down the line that maybe involve continuing education, surely a career shift, and hopefully, intentional community. 

This year, I’m building foundations. Clearing more nets through self-and-spiritual inquiry. Keep walking the path of service, God willing. I walk as a flawed but devoted servant of whatever exactly you put me here to do, however humble, God and Mother. 

Herzog’s work remains a useful vehicle for threads of research and inquiry: Herzog is just so damn relevant to me personally. His work has supported my growth as a human being. Here are a few of the topics I will get down in pixel in the near future. If I was a better blogger, I would be writing these in real time, but, what is time. 

Of Walking In Ice (Herzog walks from Munich to Paris to affirm the life of Lotte Eisner, I read it during 23 Nov – 14 Dec, the same days he wrote it 31 years ago). 

Gesualdo: Death for 5 Voices – I rented a DVD player from Kim’s Video in lower manhattan, was so thrilled, only to see later that someone had indeed ripped it to YouTube. However, the process of getting the player, and finally watching the DVD that I have held on to for 3-4 years, was amazing. 

The Peregrine – this was recommended via the man himself via his documentary filmmaking Masterclass, which I completed this year, lol. So I read it, and it’s very Herzog – it has this moment of intensity that is worth trudging for. 

Popol Vuh (the band and the sacred book and about creation and origin historia in general)

Expanding Consciousness and Navigating Modernity – This topic may also expand on musing on if Herzog’s teachings are some stand-in for a relationship with my estranged father (getting Freudian!!!)

“The spirit of enlightenment of love and compassion is the energetic and cheerful aura you create for yourself by shifting the orientation of your life away from self-preoccupation to preoccupation with becoming an enlightened being in order to bring happiness to all others… at the conclusion of this meditative process, you lock in the ambition with the vow to serve all beings. The spirit of enlightenment is all a matter of orientation and determination.”